Mid week 31

This week must be about epiphanies. I was laying in bed the other night, and just as Adam was falling asleep, I realized (and it was very vivid) that I am going to die someday. The manner of how, and when...I don't know. But the realization came to me very suddenly. And I was afraid. Afraid mostly of what it would be like...to actually DIE, the process of that moment as whatever is happening happens, and my body comes to a halt. Heart stops pumping, blood stops flowing, thoughts end, cut off in whatever mid thought I am having. And I think that was the scariest part. To imagine that my mind would stop thinking whatever it was thinking and not finish the thought. This really has nothing to do with the PHI helicopter crash, in fact my epiphany was last week, and the crash was this last Sunday morning.

Then, I had another epiphany, and now that I am typing I can't remember what it was. Frustrating....Because this was the reason I began this post today, not to write about the dying one.

Although every time I am writing thank you notes, or talking with my mom about "...my son..." I freak out a bit.

Oh wait, my latest fears have turned into...WAIT...here it is....I remebered!!! I was on the way to work this morning and I realized that I feel like I am spending too much of my pregnant time worrying about becoming UN-pregnant. And that was the epiphany of the day (so far)! I spend so much time and energy worrying and thinking, and wondering about becoming un-pregnant...how many contractions I will have on the way to the hospital, how soon I will get the ALMIGHTY drugs at the hospital, will I be in bearing down phase before we get there, what will getting the epidural feel like, will I be too drugged up from the Nubian, will I want to see myself ACTUALLY GIVING BIRTH IN THE MIRROR???? AND THEN... seeing our baby boy for the first time, will he nurse immediatley in the delivery room, will I rub that white creamy stuff into his skin, or will he be cleaned up before I/We get to hold him, how will my undersides feel when the drugs wear off, will I tear or have an episiotomy, how bad will it hurt to pee and poop, will I get some pain pills for recovery, will they be safe for the baby since I will be breastfeeding??? AND THEN...my BOOBS!!! How bad will my nipples hurt, will he latch on properly, will they hurt every time I breastfeed for WEEKS??? When and how long will the baby sleep with us in our room? How exhausted will we be? Will my housecleaning expectations be too high? Will I drive Adam crazy asking him to do things? Will he get up with me every time I feed the baby? Will we feed him in bed? Will I lay on my side to feed him? Will I fall asleep with him feeding, and will I roll over on him accidentally???

So, maybe getting this out , and trying to let it go is good for me. How successful will I be at letting it go??? Hmm, there's a good question. I feel like I should shut up my brain some and just enjoy where I am at NOW! Am I NOW-HERE? or NO-WHERE????