okay, must jot some ideas before they are forgotten...
breast pump
Dave Matthews Dream
Cravings
OMG - 10 Days (give or take) to go
Last day of work
The 'twisting'
Bris Info
Brian
Feet washing / leg drying
Why am I not still in bed !?!?! (it's 6:56 am, and I kicked Adam off the pooter to blog)
Okay, let's begin with the normal stuff: I am 38 weeks (and a half) and am starting to get ready for a change. Although it is pretty scary because I am familiar with where I am and am okay with it. Otherwise, the unknown (or better yet, un-experienced) is a bit more (A SHIT LOAD MORE) frightening. The labor, when do I get the DRUGS DAMMIT!!!, Delivery, 2 days in the hospital or so, beginning to breast feed (OMFG!!!), coming home with baby, per the Pediatrician (whom we love - even though she only works Wed thru Saturday, there are 5 other doctors in her practice that work alot... so pee the Pediatrician (not a typo) I am to begin feeding the baby EVERY THREE HOURS (7, 10, 1...) in order to get our baby "sleeping thru the night by 2 months of age. This means feeding at 7am for 30 - 45 minutes, playing with baberman for 5 minutes (he will be very sleepy, but play with him some...) then he will sleep (and prolly us too!!) Set the alarm for 9:55, get up and do it again, every 3 hours for the first 2 weeks. I am so far, MUCH HAPPIER with him inside!!
Then, at our 2 week visit, she will go over the next step in training our baby. Haha this is funny since we have had Claire, or 'training baby' for the last 2 (almost) years.
I jsut asked Adam to fill up my glass with Milk. He has been so AWESOMe during this whole pregnancy endeavor! Getting my water (of which I request SEVERAL times a day....) lately cooking dinner (I try to help some, but standing barefoot, and pregnant [VERY PREGNANT] over a hot stove has lost some appeal in the late last tri-mester...He has been so helpful around the house, doing mostly whatever I tell him. Steam cleaning the carpets last weekend AND washing the dogs (I brushed them before and anfter the baths) this weekend we/he will clean the kitchen from top to bottom, and get the rest of the baberman room ready for the little guy. OH, and we have to install the car seat SOON!! We put the swing together, and I washed the car seat cover, and the bouncy seat cover, and put the shelves up in his room, and put all the stuff on the shelves.
Dad and Lonna Rae are coming to see the nursery on Sunday at 1pm. They have NOT been over to see it at all yet. I was sad to realize that.
(I have yet to really delve into what I listed at the top of my post, I know...) But I have an hour until we have to leave to go to my Thursday vaginal visit. Which brings me to (dramamtic music please!) The TWISTING! My OB has this odd habit of twisting her way inside me for the vaginal exam. And it is quite, well yilch!!! I told her last week about the roughness of her 'technique' shall we say, but I think I need to let her know that it is really the twisitng that is awful and uncomforatble. This is what I dread about seeing her. And since they cannot give me the drugs BEGINNING NOW!!! I am forced to endure the twisting. suck. Last week, I broke down and cried just a bit and told her how uncomfortable I was with her 'exam', and she was better during that one, but I was not clear that it was really the twisting that bothers me. She did seem kind of shocked that I was feeling this way, but was genuinely trying to be slower and gentler, although there was still TWISTING!!!
Moving on...
Oh yes, the breast pump!! As I spoke with Harriet last night (she was lit on scotch and soda which made our conversation a bit more fun and exciting...) she pointed out that I should not mess with the breast pump until tomorrow (because ' it may cause A contraction...') nad this would ruin our DOB being 08- -08. She is correct. So, the story is this... I, all of a sudden, decided I wanted to 'try' the breast pump. Adam was quite hesitant, but I said I wanted to do it. So we gathered all the accoutriments, and stuck that clear cone onto my nipple as it began to suck. I pretty quickly told Adam to find the nob to "TURN IT DOWN", although it was not on that high. I watched it do its suckling for about 10 or so repetitions, and then got weirded out. It was so odd SEEING my nipple get sucked down into the tube of this thing trying to extract the milk. But there was no milk, thank god!! There was the one drop of colostrum (and I mean ONE DROP) that I quickly grabbed a tissue and dabbled when I was done. VERY ODD... the sensation was a bit uncomfortable, and very strange, and I am still not sure what to do with all that floating around in mah brain. Luckily, we talked about it enough, that it did not keep me awake and pondering last night (as new baby things tend to do). The biggest deal I guess was that I am going to have to / want to do this several times a day in order to keep milk coming and to reduce the milk that is coming. Seems a bit redundant, but I don't want the baby to STARVE!!! However, it takes 15 - 20 minutes to completely 'empty' each breast. EACH... that means I will need to do both! OMG....
Okay next....AHHHH yes, my Dave Matthews Dream.
It was Monday night, or Sunday, not sure now, maybe Sunday. I was going into a bathroom at some large place, with lots of stalls, and had to poop. I heard 2 girls talking thru stalls and decided to keep searching for the propper poo place. I went down further and found a good clean stall. It was huge! After applying the seat cover and sitting down, it seemed as though there were at least 2 toilets in my stall, with a tv on the back wall. Then I noticed Dave walk by my stall, and there were no real doors on the stall... Playing on the tv was a video of his, and I will tell you the song later, because I don't remember the name of it. And he was looking at the tv as he walked by. Then, as I am trying to poo, he walked by again. I became a bit uncomfortable, but realized he was looking at the tv and not me, so much.... After walking by AGAIN, he started talking to me. I am not sure if I poo'd or not at this point, but the urge was no longer... (excuse me, butt all this talk of pooing, and I just let out a load bearing phart...) Ok... (PS: it always makes me feel better pooing before my ob appt because that is about 1 lb or so I won't have to weigh at my appt.) So, Dave and I start talking, and then next thing, we are walking and end up somewhere on some couch, and I am on top of him and we are having sex. Unfortunatley, I wake up before having enough time to really enjoy myself. I awake to find my hands rubbing on Adam's back (or chest, it was dark, hairy and I was sleepy, but they were above the waist FO SHO!) I rolled oer and tried to go back to my dream.... hmmm...
OK - cravings. This week, it is still root beer and watermelon. I must have eaten half of a 20 pound watermelon since Sunday, and I haven't had any today yet. YUMMY! And I need foutain root beer, not from a bottle or can please...
Okay - last 10 days... the swelling has been CRASSSSSY!! And it has forced me to do a whole-lotta-nada! I have watched many episodes of A Haunting http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Haunting_in_Connecticut#Specials and this has been interesting. I have watched may Dog Whisperers. I love Cesar Millan. He is my hero. But these last 10 days are quite remarkable. My last day of work is tomorrow, which is odd. Another 'last'
Oh, and the watermelon and rrot beer, no not at the same time...
However, I am GLAD (EX-FUCKING-STATIC) to be done with Elliot, at least for a while... I may be forced to go back to work for him after the baby, but will try to not let that happen, AT ALL COSTS!!
Okay, I covered the twisting,...bris info. Ah yes. the bris, performed by a mohel (pronounced moyel. I need to pick up my script of Emla, which is a topical cream to be placed on the penis and wrapped with gauze 1 hour or so before the procedure. And SOMEBODY PUH-LEASE MAKE SURE I HAVE KLEENEX READILY AVAILABLE FOR THE BRIS!!!!!!!!!! The mohel has done a couple bris' in my family, and has very steady hands. However, he would like us to donate 450 - 500 to his son's college, in his son's name, to go toward tuition. This seems kinda weird, because he is not supposed ot 'gain' from our donation, and our Rabbi agreed with me on this, but I think we are going to stick with him anyways. It's already set up...Bob LawBlaw... However, the 450-500 part is my biggest concern. Because so far, none of the parents have offered to help out with this expense, and I am not sure the school takes credit cards. We will have to see. However, the donation does not have to be made until after the bris, which seems odd, but makes sense since he may not perform it for whatever reason, and that would be an odd conversation to have... "uh, could we please be reimbursed for our donation..."
NEXT!
Brian - is in the hospital. I get a text from David (Rita's grandson) at 10:30 last night saying do you know Brian is in the hospital? UH NO!! So I call him and in my rude / polite way tell him to NOT send me a text like that! Call me and give me details. He was not sure I was sleeping, but AGAIN, this deserves a call whether it is 10:30 or not. ESPECIALLY SINCE HE HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL FOR THIRTEEN HOURS!!!! All David knew was that he had a blood clot in his foot and a blood infection. At Presby. No room #, no floor, no other details. So, I am calling the hospital last night after hanging up with David, and they are telling me that the patient is asleep. I asked Loretta how she knew this from the nurses station. (they would not connect me to the room that late, only to the nurses station.) I told her he is my step-dad, and that I am due to deliver a baby any day now, and to go TELL HIM I CALLED! She did, and Brian called me moments later. His right foot is swollen and infected, and his big toe is HUGE. ALTHOUGH HE DROVE HIMSELF TO THE HOSPITAL..... I about came unglued. Drove himself. He is famous for this, but thought me may have called to ask me to take him, since Rita just had some procedure yesterday and David was taking care of her. I bitched at him, and told him I would come see him this morning. Will get more details...
Crouching Tiger / Hidden Dragon.... no wait, I mean Foot Washing / Leg Drying. Neither of which I am really able to do anymore. Foot washing just discovered in the shower last night. I can't quite hoist my foot up on my knee anymore to wash it. Since the baby has dropped a bunch over the last few days, it has gotten much harder, and now in the shower, seems near impossible. Leg drying, well I haven't really done that in a couple weeks, luckily it's hot enough not to care. But still annoying.
And finally, why I am not in bed. Well, with all this CARP, adn I do mean CARP, rolling around upstairs, how could I sleep???? It's 8:00am on the dot. Must get ready for twisting. Maybe I will play that song by Korn on the way to the appointment...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Week 37
WOW!! So many HUGE things going on right now. Adam and I discused and agree that we have never had so many HUGE things happening all at once!
Ex: Baby coming in A COUPLE WEEKS!
Charles, Tina, Claire and Sarah - gone to Bloomington for good TOMORROW!
Adam only has 1 year (or less) at UT, and will be looking for another job THIS FALL!!
(We thought we had 2 years or better for him, and this has been quite a shocker!)
The fact that we may be MOVING!!
The fact that we may be selling our house!!
THe fact that we may be MOVING to another city or state!!
The fact that we may be buying another house!!
Shau Yee left Adam's lab.
They are hiring someone to replace her.
Adam will be taking a month paternity leave.
I will go for 2 months (give or take) with no income.
I work for some chauvanistic asshole who does nothing for my resume, and is a blubbering idiot!
I don't want to come back here after having the baby.
There are so many other things that I just can't even think of...
This is all some crazy SHIZZELL!!
I am trying to process it all.
Adam is worried that he may end up living out the least favorite part of his dream - being a HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER. So what is he doing?? Looking into teaching high school! This is so frustrating for me because I know this is NOT what he wants to do. He wants his own lab, and to teach Grad students. This may not be attainable, as he has not published enough, and the field is so competitive.
So, maybe he will teach more and do less research.
Or, maybe he will teach college and do less research.
Or, maybe he will teach at a community college and do even less research and get shitty pay.
Or maybe he will teach high school and do no research, and make average pay.
Or maybe he will work in industry instead, and do none of the things he loves.
Which means maybe he will travel 4-5 days a week.
Or maybe he can get a job at NIH, or CDC, or something and do only research, but not be a professor.
Or maybe he can work at a semi-private high school rather than public.
Or maybe he can work for Merck or some big pharmaceutical company and not teach or run his own lab.
Or maybe we can move to Bloomington, like Charles and Tina, and he can get an assistant professor, or some academia position in the "fly mecca" of the US. (this is I guess my secret hope, unless there is something in the Pacific Northwest he can get!!!)
Ex: Baby coming in A COUPLE WEEKS!
Charles, Tina, Claire and Sarah - gone to Bloomington for good TOMORROW!
Adam only has 1 year (or less) at UT, and will be looking for another job THIS FALL!!
(We thought we had 2 years or better for him, and this has been quite a shocker!)
The fact that we may be MOVING!!
The fact that we may be selling our house!!
THe fact that we may be MOVING to another city or state!!
The fact that we may be buying another house!!
Shau Yee left Adam's lab.
They are hiring someone to replace her.
Adam will be taking a month paternity leave.
I will go for 2 months (give or take) with no income.
I work for some chauvanistic asshole who does nothing for my resume, and is a blubbering idiot!
I don't want to come back here after having the baby.
There are so many other things that I just can't even think of...
This is all some crazy SHIZZELL!!
I am trying to process it all.
Adam is worried that he may end up living out the least favorite part of his dream - being a HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER. So what is he doing?? Looking into teaching high school! This is so frustrating for me because I know this is NOT what he wants to do. He wants his own lab, and to teach Grad students. This may not be attainable, as he has not published enough, and the field is so competitive.
So, maybe he will teach more and do less research.
Or, maybe he will teach college and do less research.
Or, maybe he will teach at a community college and do even less research and get shitty pay.
Or maybe he will teach high school and do no research, and make average pay.
Or maybe he will work in industry instead, and do none of the things he loves.
Which means maybe he will travel 4-5 days a week.
Or maybe he can get a job at NIH, or CDC, or something and do only research, but not be a professor.
Or maybe he can work at a semi-private high school rather than public.
Or maybe he can work for Merck or some big pharmaceutical company and not teach or run his own lab.
Or maybe we can move to Bloomington, like Charles and Tina, and he can get an assistant professor, or some academia position in the "fly mecca" of the US. (this is I guess my secret hope, unless there is something in the Pacific Northwest he can get!!!)
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Week 36
Gettin Scary!
I am now having weekly vaginal exams, and I think my OB is quite rough. Especially because she was out of town this week and I saw the other dr in her practice, who is a man, and he was very gently and didn't thrust 2 twisting fingers into my vagina like my regular ob does. So, next week I am going to ask her to go a little slower and be more gentle. I was even crying in the doctor's room this morning, anticipating the exam. Adam was so gret calming me down as he always does, and I think it helped telling the doctor that I was afraid and he told me he understood. That was nice. It made me feel better.
We worked our last bout this past weekend. I had planned to set Denise up at the booth for training and let her man the cash register. Uh, No! SHe didn't come anywhere near us until near the 2nd half, and gave us less than a minute of completely divided attention. I can't believe she is the head of finance. She has no financial background that I can see, and has no clue as to what she is doing. She had the register for 3 weeks without reading the one sheet of instructions I wrote up for them, and had no clue how to use the PRE-PROGRAMMED KEYS that we created for them. She apparently fucked it all up the bout before, and couldn't balance, and even short paid the sporting center!
Then this time, she gave Adam a wad of money and told him to make sure that it was 1500, when in fact, she gave him 1800!!!! First, she told him what the amount should have been (WRONG!!!!) and secondly gave him too much, of which someone other than Adam could have pocketed, and they would have never known the difference.
THEN, come to find out that as she is completeing the rediculous spreadsheet she created to compile ticket sales and such, she has no idea what she is doing. AND SHE CREATED THE STUPID WORKSHEET!! She had items listed in ways which indicates totals are being doubled, and it is just generally out of control.
I just hope they pay me for what I have done for them.
They should be much more organinzed in their third year!
Anyways, we are glad to be done sitting and wasting 5-6 hours playing brickbreaker on our blackberries, and occasionally taking money.
I can't believe also, that because Denise was in a hurry to leave, that she 'allowed' us to count money when there was still 1/4 of the bout left. But, if we needed to leave early, oh no!
Whatev!
Also, in my maniacal hormonal emotional range of emotions, I have to discuss Kelley. She is so jealous of my friendship with Ang, and can be so volatile about it, and yet she won't return or acknowledge my texts. She thinks that somehow she will be in the labor room with me. But she won't return my texts. The last time I saw her was for birthday dinner in late June. I can't tell if she is just jealous because I am having a baby and she can't, or what. I know she would pull the 'it's summer and I'm BUSY' card, but that is the greatness of texting. It's at your convenience. And maybe she is pushing herself away because she knows that Ang will be in the labor room with me.
At this point, actually quite some time ago, I decided the ONLY person I want in the labor room with me and Adam is Ang. Not Kelley, not Heather, not my mom, or Frances, or anyone. I will need to stay calm, and collected, and frankly those other people don't take me to that special calm place I need to be in the time of labor. Now for delivery, NOONE is allowed except Adam. Ang can be there in labor to help Adam out to take breaks and whatever, but in delivery, and hoping it will move fast, will just be my husband. It is our special moment to bring in our first son into our lives.
After deciding that Kelley is officially 'uninvited' to the labor room, I have not told her this yet. This would require more than just one sided communication, as it has not really been of late. And for this, I do not feel bad. She will get the after birth call like everyone else, and frankly this is best for several reasons. If she is having mental anguish due to her own inability to conceive, than she should not be there. I don't need myself or Adam trying to calm her down if she breaks down, or cannot fulfill her 'best friend' duty of being there for me when I need her. And I am sure that Mickey will not want/nor be able to come to the hospital and be there for her, after she is being there for us, since he has to work.
I hve been experiencing contrations, several a day lately, and this has been exciting. I had 3 at the grocery store last Friday, which seems to be the true beginning of these larger, but mild, contractions. It is my body getting ready. Frances and Adam seem to think the baby will come early. I have no idea. I really can't make any prediction. I am not sure I want him early, except for size reasons....
I have been so tired the last few days, which seems in conjuction with the mild contractions.... I slept all night Sunday, and most of the day Monday, and last night, although waking up some to pee, and having a 10 minute lull or so before falling back to sleep, then sleeping today from 11:30 to 2 or so. This may be how the last few weeks are.
Although, the sinus headaches I could really do without. I seem to be getting them daily and that sucks. I am trying not to take to much benadryl either. I have also been having panic attacks some this last week or so. And that has been sucky too. I guess it is a culmination of the pregnancy coming to an end, preparing to breast feed, and be sleepy and agitated some. And of course to becoming a mother. This is all very strange stuff, and there seems to be alot of it rolling around in mah brain.
I am now having weekly vaginal exams, and I think my OB is quite rough. Especially because she was out of town this week and I saw the other dr in her practice, who is a man, and he was very gently and didn't thrust 2 twisting fingers into my vagina like my regular ob does. So, next week I am going to ask her to go a little slower and be more gentle. I was even crying in the doctor's room this morning, anticipating the exam. Adam was so gret calming me down as he always does, and I think it helped telling the doctor that I was afraid and he told me he understood. That was nice. It made me feel better.
We worked our last bout this past weekend. I had planned to set Denise up at the booth for training and let her man the cash register. Uh, No! SHe didn't come anywhere near us until near the 2nd half, and gave us less than a minute of completely divided attention. I can't believe she is the head of finance. She has no financial background that I can see, and has no clue as to what she is doing. She had the register for 3 weeks without reading the one sheet of instructions I wrote up for them, and had no clue how to use the PRE-PROGRAMMED KEYS that we created for them. She apparently fucked it all up the bout before, and couldn't balance, and even short paid the sporting center!
Then this time, she gave Adam a wad of money and told him to make sure that it was 1500, when in fact, she gave him 1800!!!! First, she told him what the amount should have been (WRONG!!!!) and secondly gave him too much, of which someone other than Adam could have pocketed, and they would have never known the difference.
THEN, come to find out that as she is completeing the rediculous spreadsheet she created to compile ticket sales and such, she has no idea what she is doing. AND SHE CREATED THE STUPID WORKSHEET!! She had items listed in ways which indicates totals are being doubled, and it is just generally out of control.
I just hope they pay me for what I have done for them.
They should be much more organinzed in their third year!
Anyways, we are glad to be done sitting and wasting 5-6 hours playing brickbreaker on our blackberries, and occasionally taking money.
I can't believe also, that because Denise was in a hurry to leave, that she 'allowed' us to count money when there was still 1/4 of the bout left. But, if we needed to leave early, oh no!
Whatev!
Also, in my maniacal hormonal emotional range of emotions, I have to discuss Kelley. She is so jealous of my friendship with Ang, and can be so volatile about it, and yet she won't return or acknowledge my texts. She thinks that somehow she will be in the labor room with me. But she won't return my texts. The last time I saw her was for birthday dinner in late June. I can't tell if she is just jealous because I am having a baby and she can't, or what. I know she would pull the 'it's summer and I'm BUSY' card, but that is the greatness of texting. It's at your convenience. And maybe she is pushing herself away because she knows that Ang will be in the labor room with me.
At this point, actually quite some time ago, I decided the ONLY person I want in the labor room with me and Adam is Ang. Not Kelley, not Heather, not my mom, or Frances, or anyone. I will need to stay calm, and collected, and frankly those other people don't take me to that special calm place I need to be in the time of labor. Now for delivery, NOONE is allowed except Adam. Ang can be there in labor to help Adam out to take breaks and whatever, but in delivery, and hoping it will move fast, will just be my husband. It is our special moment to bring in our first son into our lives.
After deciding that Kelley is officially 'uninvited' to the labor room, I have not told her this yet. This would require more than just one sided communication, as it has not really been of late. And for this, I do not feel bad. She will get the after birth call like everyone else, and frankly this is best for several reasons. If she is having mental anguish due to her own inability to conceive, than she should not be there. I don't need myself or Adam trying to calm her down if she breaks down, or cannot fulfill her 'best friend' duty of being there for me when I need her. And I am sure that Mickey will not want/nor be able to come to the hospital and be there for her, after she is being there for us, since he has to work.
I hve been experiencing contrations, several a day lately, and this has been exciting. I had 3 at the grocery store last Friday, which seems to be the true beginning of these larger, but mild, contractions. It is my body getting ready. Frances and Adam seem to think the baby will come early. I have no idea. I really can't make any prediction. I am not sure I want him early, except for size reasons....
I have been so tired the last few days, which seems in conjuction with the mild contractions.... I slept all night Sunday, and most of the day Monday, and last night, although waking up some to pee, and having a 10 minute lull or so before falling back to sleep, then sleeping today from 11:30 to 2 or so. This may be how the last few weeks are.
Although, the sinus headaches I could really do without. I seem to be getting them daily and that sucks. I am trying not to take to much benadryl either. I have also been having panic attacks some this last week or so. And that has been sucky too. I guess it is a culmination of the pregnancy coming to an end, preparing to breast feed, and be sleepy and agitated some. And of course to becoming a mother. This is all very strange stuff, and there seems to be alot of it rolling around in mah brain.
Monday, July 7, 2008
week 35
Well, lets see, I have a sucky cold/sore throat/cough, a rash on my nipple which may be the poison ivy I have on my arms and hand, and getting bigger every day. Although, I did not put on any weight this week. I am, however, waiting for the hydrocortizone cream to dry on my boob so I can pull my bra back down, and that is FUN!
Other than that, feeling okay. Except super stressecd with DDD work. Told June I would have the backup disc for Denise tomorrow!!!! I have a bunch to do, and may not get all the reconciliations done.
Adam just texted me saying that Shao Ye gave 2 weeks notice at his lab today. That is interesting gossip. Immediately sent Umar a text about this because she was interviewing with his lab and with Helmut's lab at the same time, and trying to get reimbursement from both, if I understand it correctly. Which is even more ironic (and that song happens to be playing on my iTunes...) that she is going to UTD to get her finance engineering degree..... hmmmm
Interesting day so far.
Have been taking a couple extended release xanax's over the last few days, only one pill a day, because I have been stressed about DDD, and having some panic attacks. Also stressed about Charles, Tina Claire and Sarah staying with us on weekends, although Sarah didn't come this weekend. Charles leaves tomorrow and that was super sad yesterday to tell him goodbye. I am running out of people to flirt with!!! Besides Umar, of course. Adam is on the lookout to see if the baby comes out pakistani, he will confirm the truth about me and Umar..... haha
And I guess it is really hitting home that they are going to be gone for good really soon. That sucks.
And it has been emotional having them here, Claire being a toddler, and becoming annoying some, because she is testing boundaries, and unable oto communicate about what is wrong when she cries, and so I am reading the Girlfriend's guide to Toddlers...which is helpful.
I don't want to think of her as annoying, but it seems that it is very normal to do so, since children at that age just are.
Anyways, need lunch and to keep pushing on in DDD.
Other than that, feeling okay. Except super stressecd with DDD work. Told June I would have the backup disc for Denise tomorrow!!!! I have a bunch to do, and may not get all the reconciliations done.
Adam just texted me saying that Shao Ye gave 2 weeks notice at his lab today. That is interesting gossip. Immediately sent Umar a text about this because she was interviewing with his lab and with Helmut's lab at the same time, and trying to get reimbursement from both, if I understand it correctly. Which is even more ironic (and that song happens to be playing on my iTunes...) that she is going to UTD to get her finance engineering degree..... hmmmm
Interesting day so far.
Have been taking a couple extended release xanax's over the last few days, only one pill a day, because I have been stressed about DDD, and having some panic attacks. Also stressed about Charles, Tina Claire and Sarah staying with us on weekends, although Sarah didn't come this weekend. Charles leaves tomorrow and that was super sad yesterday to tell him goodbye. I am running out of people to flirt with!!! Besides Umar, of course. Adam is on the lookout to see if the baby comes out pakistani, he will confirm the truth about me and Umar..... haha
And I guess it is really hitting home that they are going to be gone for good really soon. That sucks.
And it has been emotional having them here, Claire being a toddler, and becoming annoying some, because she is testing boundaries, and unable oto communicate about what is wrong when she cries, and so I am reading the Girlfriend's guide to Toddlers...which is helpful.
I don't want to think of her as annoying, but it seems that it is very normal to do so, since children at that age just are.
Anyways, need lunch and to keep pushing on in DDD.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
heart beat relaxing a bit
So I took the pill an hour ago, almost to the minute. And I am feeling more relaxed. I am also glad to post that the baby is moving right now, so I am less worried about how the pill affects him. This is good. I was concerned.
total panic mode
Can stop my heart from beating up into my throat. My chest is tight, and breathing is shallow. Been going on for hours. Ate and took an extended release xanax. Wish it would stop. I know it's mostly ddd, but also panicked for Adam, the rash, and the dang bird.
As I was leaving to come to work I saw another bird trying to figure out where the lost bird is. While posting earlier I twice heard a bird at the window trying to find the little guy. I pray they find him and can help him out. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....
and the panic ensues.... Hope the pill kicks in soon.
As I was leaving to come to work I saw another bird trying to figure out where the lost bird is. While posting earlier I twice heard a bird at the window trying to find the little guy. I pray they find him and can help him out. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.....
and the panic ensues.... Hope the pill kicks in soon.
week 34
Life is kinda tough right now. besides the swelling which has forced me to be on the couch, flipping from my right to my left every hour for at least 36 hours over the weekend, and nto being able to go to the hospital because we were taking care of Claire while Charles and Tina were cleaning out their house...there is my impending stress about ddd and the looming sensation of being behind, and not able to perform at my peak. The fucking guilt is overwhelming, and no matter who tells me how much to relax and try not to stress about it, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is HAPPENING!!!!
And then my wonderful husband is also so stressed about work and his career, and where his life is going! And that stresses me too. He is trying to plan for the future with our baby coming, it makes perfect sense. His field is not thriving, and he hasn't published enough, and wondering if he will ever get a professorship, which, to him, seems less and less likely every day. And then what!?!?!?! Will he succumb to teaching? And if so, where? College, high school, community college??? Will he have to take a sales job and travel ALOT??? What are the choices? What is realisitic? He is so smart, and so well educated and LIVING HIS DREAM.... Although his dream seems to be crumbling before his eyes due to the fact that there are not alot of schools hiring research professors in his field. He would rather not teach full time, and really wants to have an idea where he is headed with the baby coming.
I totally understand! And this opens my eyes to more personal stresses about my job career (if you will..) and where I may end up.
I never thought I would only work part time and be a part time mommy. NEVER!! Hell I never thought I would have kids (well secretly yes, but thinking about the realistic daily parenting stuff, no, nope, never, NADA!!) And I have no career path anymore, it feels like. I am not educated, I am losing experience by the minute, my resume is looking suckier and suckier every day.... Will I always have to work for the GODDAMN CHAUVANISTIC ELLIOT'S OF THE WORLD?????
Will I ever feel satisfied in my career? I don't know. And it seems less and less likely that I will.
Flip side - all we have to do is live comfortably. Make ends meet as we have been and enjoy that. We don't need a bigger house, for several more years. Although 2 bathrooms would be FANTASTIC!!!
We don't need anything fancy. Keep paying off the credit card debt, keep paying the house down, and enjoy becoming parents and living here.
Easier said than done sometimes. At least the enjoying part.
Maybe I should go back to school while our child is young and get a degree and teach. I have never really wanted to teach... But if Adam is going to end up teaching then at least we would both have summers off together. Although, that brings up the all expensive child care. Which I want to be able to provide for our child. The interaction with others is CRUCIAL at an early age. But affording it is, well, just that!
Moving on, I have a rash on the inside of my right arm and top of my right hand, which I fear is the POISON IVY lurking again! FUCK!!!
And the daily issues with just growing a PENIS, well and a baby, in my body are becoming increasingly more difficult. Moving my body around is harder, after the 20 lbs I have put on, my swelling, itching, sinus, peeing all the time, tired, moody, bitchy, confused about the future, and trying to not be stressed....BOB LAWBLAW!!!!
Then there is the LABOR AND DELIVERY!! OMFG! It is about 5 weeks away! It's totally hot outside, and I'm stressed and I am going to GIVE BIRTH!
The epidural is still frightening, and at the same time, I want the Nubain, but don't want to be totally out of it if the baby comes fast. I want to get fucked up enough to not care about getting the damn epidural, and then be awake and not in pain enough to enjoy the miracle (see that is something else I keep telling myself - birth is a miracle!!! An amazing miracle that our bodies - MY BODY - can create and give birth!!!) yes, enjoy this. That is what I keep saying to myself.
Ah, and my diet. So I have decided that baked (nuked) potatos and cereal are my staples of survival. No processed foods, hahahahahahahha
as little sodium as possible and elevating my feet EVERY DAY FOR HOURS WHEN I GET HOME!! I'm getting nothing done! Laundry, watering the garden, cooking, NOTHING!!!
Another frustration.
Oh, and now, we have this little bird chirping! He/She is stuck in our eave right above our living room window. I realized yesterday that I had been hearing this chirping for a day or two, but thought it was just outside. Well, no! It is not outside, it is in the eave. My darling hubby went into the attic this morning with a flashlight to see what he could see. He could not find where the bird was. And the chirping is so rythmic, its the equivalent of Chinese Water Torture!!! It stopped last night at about 9pm, as it got dark. But this poor little thing! It is in the west eave of our house, all alone, hungry, thirsty and DYING!!!! My maternal instincts want to cut a HOLE in the damn eave to see if we can rescue the little thing. But what if it has a broken wing and will die anyways! I just don't know what to do!!! Of course Adam won't let me cut a HOLE IN THE ROOF!!!! which, I hate to admit, makes sense, but again MATERNAL INSTINCTS!!!??!?!?!?
I guess I should get ready to go to work. yay. can you feel my excitement? yeah, me neither.
It's 9:36am, and I should be at Elliot's by 10, and I need to eat and get cleaned up and change, and would much rather procrastinate. I just hope he is not there. This sucks.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
And then my wonderful husband is also so stressed about work and his career, and where his life is going! And that stresses me too. He is trying to plan for the future with our baby coming, it makes perfect sense. His field is not thriving, and he hasn't published enough, and wondering if he will ever get a professorship, which, to him, seems less and less likely every day. And then what!?!?!?! Will he succumb to teaching? And if so, where? College, high school, community college??? Will he have to take a sales job and travel ALOT??? What are the choices? What is realisitic? He is so smart, and so well educated and LIVING HIS DREAM.... Although his dream seems to be crumbling before his eyes due to the fact that there are not alot of schools hiring research professors in his field. He would rather not teach full time, and really wants to have an idea where he is headed with the baby coming.
I totally understand! And this opens my eyes to more personal stresses about my job career (if you will..) and where I may end up.
I never thought I would only work part time and be a part time mommy. NEVER!! Hell I never thought I would have kids (well secretly yes, but thinking about the realistic daily parenting stuff, no, nope, never, NADA!!) And I have no career path anymore, it feels like. I am not educated, I am losing experience by the minute, my resume is looking suckier and suckier every day.... Will I always have to work for the GODDAMN CHAUVANISTIC ELLIOT'S OF THE WORLD?????
Will I ever feel satisfied in my career? I don't know. And it seems less and less likely that I will.
Flip side - all we have to do is live comfortably. Make ends meet as we have been and enjoy that. We don't need a bigger house, for several more years. Although 2 bathrooms would be FANTASTIC!!!
We don't need anything fancy. Keep paying off the credit card debt, keep paying the house down, and enjoy becoming parents and living here.
Easier said than done sometimes. At least the enjoying part.
Maybe I should go back to school while our child is young and get a degree and teach. I have never really wanted to teach... But if Adam is going to end up teaching then at least we would both have summers off together. Although, that brings up the all expensive child care. Which I want to be able to provide for our child. The interaction with others is CRUCIAL at an early age. But affording it is, well, just that!
Moving on, I have a rash on the inside of my right arm and top of my right hand, which I fear is the POISON IVY lurking again! FUCK!!!
And the daily issues with just growing a PENIS, well and a baby, in my body are becoming increasingly more difficult. Moving my body around is harder, after the 20 lbs I have put on, my swelling, itching, sinus, peeing all the time, tired, moody, bitchy, confused about the future, and trying to not be stressed....BOB LAWBLAW!!!!
Then there is the LABOR AND DELIVERY!! OMFG! It is about 5 weeks away! It's totally hot outside, and I'm stressed and I am going to GIVE BIRTH!
The epidural is still frightening, and at the same time, I want the Nubain, but don't want to be totally out of it if the baby comes fast. I want to get fucked up enough to not care about getting the damn epidural, and then be awake and not in pain enough to enjoy the miracle (see that is something else I keep telling myself - birth is a miracle!!! An amazing miracle that our bodies - MY BODY - can create and give birth!!!) yes, enjoy this. That is what I keep saying to myself.
Ah, and my diet. So I have decided that baked (nuked) potatos and cereal are my staples of survival. No processed foods, hahahahahahahha
as little sodium as possible and elevating my feet EVERY DAY FOR HOURS WHEN I GET HOME!! I'm getting nothing done! Laundry, watering the garden, cooking, NOTHING!!!
Another frustration.
Oh, and now, we have this little bird chirping! He/She is stuck in our eave right above our living room window. I realized yesterday that I had been hearing this chirping for a day or two, but thought it was just outside. Well, no! It is not outside, it is in the eave. My darling hubby went into the attic this morning with a flashlight to see what he could see. He could not find where the bird was. And the chirping is so rythmic, its the equivalent of Chinese Water Torture!!! It stopped last night at about 9pm, as it got dark. But this poor little thing! It is in the west eave of our house, all alone, hungry, thirsty and DYING!!!! My maternal instincts want to cut a HOLE in the damn eave to see if we can rescue the little thing. But what if it has a broken wing and will die anyways! I just don't know what to do!!! Of course Adam won't let me cut a HOLE IN THE ROOF!!!! which, I hate to admit, makes sense, but again MATERNAL INSTINCTS!!!??!?!?!?
I guess I should get ready to go to work. yay. can you feel my excitement? yeah, me neither.
It's 9:36am, and I should be at Elliot's by 10, and I need to eat and get cleaned up and change, and would much rather procrastinate. I just hope he is not there. This sucks.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
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