week 34

Life is kinda tough right now. besides the swelling which has forced me to be on the couch, flipping from my right to my left every hour for at least 36 hours over the weekend, and nto being able to go to the hospital because we were taking care of Claire while Charles and Tina were cleaning out their house...there is my impending stress about ddd and the looming sensation of being behind, and not able to perform at my peak. The fucking guilt is overwhelming, and no matter who tells me how much to relax and try not to stress about it, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is HAPPENING!!!!

And then my wonderful husband is also so stressed about work and his career, and where his life is going! And that stresses me too. He is trying to plan for the future with our baby coming, it makes perfect sense. His field is not thriving, and he hasn't published enough, and wondering if he will ever get a professorship, which, to him, seems less and less likely every day. And then what!?!?!?! Will he succumb to teaching? And if so, where? College, high school, community college??? Will he have to take a sales job and travel ALOT??? What are the choices? What is realisitic? He is so smart, and so well educated and LIVING HIS DREAM.... Although his dream seems to be crumbling before his eyes due to the fact that there are not alot of schools hiring research professors in his field. He would rather not teach full time, and really wants to have an idea where he is headed with the baby coming.

I totally understand! And this opens my eyes to more personal stresses about my job career (if you will..) and where I may end up.

I never thought I would only work part time and be a part time mommy. NEVER!! Hell I never thought I would have kids (well secretly yes, but thinking about the realistic daily parenting stuff, no, nope, never, NADA!!) And I have no career path anymore, it feels like. I am not educated, I am losing experience by the minute, my resume is looking suckier and suckier every day.... Will I always have to work for the GODDAMN CHAUVANISTIC ELLIOT'S OF THE WORLD?????

Will I ever feel satisfied in my career? I don't know. And it seems less and less likely that I will.

Flip side - all we have to do is live comfortably. Make ends meet as we have been and enjoy that. We don't need a bigger house, for several more years. Although 2 bathrooms would be FANTASTIC!!!

We don't need anything fancy. Keep paying off the credit card debt, keep paying the house down, and enjoy becoming parents and living here.

Easier said than done sometimes. At least the enjoying part.

Maybe I should go back to school while our child is young and get a degree and teach. I have never really wanted to teach... But if Adam is going to end up teaching then at least we would both have summers off together. Although, that brings up the all expensive child care. Which I want to be able to provide for our child. The interaction with others is CRUCIAL at an early age. But affording it is, well, just that!

Moving on, I have a rash on the inside of my right arm and top of my right hand, which I fear is the POISON IVY lurking again! FUCK!!!

And the daily issues with just growing a PENIS, well and a baby, in my body are becoming increasingly more difficult. Moving my body around is harder, after the 20 lbs I have put on, my swelling, itching, sinus, peeing all the time, tired, moody, bitchy, confused about the future, and trying to not be stressed....BOB LAWBLAW!!!!

Then there is the LABOR AND DELIVERY!! OMFG! It is about 5 weeks away! It's totally hot outside, and I'm stressed and I am going to GIVE BIRTH!

The epidural is still frightening, and at the same time, I want the Nubain, but don't want to be totally out of it if the baby comes fast. I want to get fucked up enough to not care about getting the damn epidural, and then be awake and not in pain enough to enjoy the miracle (see that is something else I keep telling myself - birth is a miracle!!! An amazing miracle that our bodies - MY BODY - can create and give birth!!!) yes, enjoy this. That is what I keep saying to myself.

Ah, and my diet. So I have decided that baked (nuked) potatos and cereal are my staples of survival. No processed foods, hahahahahahahha

as little sodium as possible and elevating my feet EVERY DAY FOR HOURS WHEN I GET HOME!! I'm getting nothing done! Laundry, watering the garden, cooking, NOTHING!!!

Another frustration.

Oh, and now, we have this little bird chirping! He/She is stuck in our eave right above our living room window. I realized yesterday that I had been hearing this chirping for a day or two, but thought it was just outside. Well, no! It is not outside, it is in the eave. My darling hubby went into the attic this morning with a flashlight to see what he could see. He could not find where the bird was. And the chirping is so rythmic, its the equivalent of Chinese Water Torture!!! It stopped last night at about 9pm, as it got dark. But this poor little thing! It is in the west eave of our house, all alone, hungry, thirsty and DYING!!!! My maternal instincts want to cut a HOLE in the damn eave to see if we can rescue the little thing. But what if it has a broken wing and will die anyways! I just don't know what to do!!! Of course Adam won't let me cut a HOLE IN THE ROOF!!!! which, I hate to admit, makes sense, but again MATERNAL INSTINCTS!!!??!?!?!?

I guess I should get ready to go to work. yay. can you feel my excitement? yeah, me neither.

It's 9:36am, and I should be at Elliot's by 10, and I need to eat and get cleaned up and change, and would much rather procrastinate. I just hope he is not there. This sucks.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!